I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
