i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
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He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
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We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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