If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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