You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
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You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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