stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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