did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
