She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize