Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
