Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
