Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Watching her eat just hurts me
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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