I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
