I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
