I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
