first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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