i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Redeem this text for a blowjob
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
