I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
