Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
