Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
