please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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