I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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