so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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