that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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