Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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