Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
