Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
