I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
