I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
