Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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