I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
