My room smells like vodka and shame
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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