dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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