i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
