god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
