As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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