Your tits are I can't wait for
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
