Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
