Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
