I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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