it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
