Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
