dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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