I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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