I will die if light touches me.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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