so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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