mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize