I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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