apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
