I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
