someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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