I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
