Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish ðŸ€
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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