listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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