I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
