I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
