remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My liver just broke up with me...
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
