I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
