Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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