someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
