literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
