I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
A+ Viking dick
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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