He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
